Oh this is some kind of life

I've heard it said life is unfair and that God cannot exist because of ______ (fill in your choice of trite argument based on human logic). I don't buy it. I mean, nobody ever promised anybody that life would be fair. When I hear that, my response however juvenile is, "yeah, duh." The challenge we are presented with- and yes, it is a challenge indeed- is to turn our suffering into growth and to love everybody, everything, all of creation. Loving someone doesn't mean liking their character, necessarily, but understanding it- not sympathizing with it- just understanding without judging in order to love better. Like Jesus says (and I'm totally paraphrasing from memory), "what is it to love those who love you? Even sinners love those who love them." The idea, of course, being to love your enemy as yourself. That is difficult to do. The more I think about the way I act and the thoughts that are in my head, the more I am convinced that I have a lot of work to do on myself, so no matter how "messed up" I'm thinking this other person is, I really must learn how to remember that taking the right path is so difficult and we happen to be quite blind to many important things about our actions and how we could make them that we would be better. Pride is a big cause of blindness, I've definitely found for myself. Also, I'm pretty sick of how society treats Christianity these days. I see a lot of issues with Western Christianity because it strayed from the original Church teachings (if you can't tell yet, I'm an Eastern Orthodox Christian- or a catechumen, anyway). I've been an atheist before; I've been Protestant before; I've thought about Catholicism before; I've been agnostic before; I've been a pseudo-Buddhist before; when I was a child, my family went to churches in which people just gathered 'round waiting to be... entertained by a miracle, ready to will themselves into a trance: I was a passionate and mercurial teenager with a restless nature. I felt firmly about each (or in the case of agnosticism, well, you know). None of them, however, had for me what Orthodoxy has for me. Orthodoxy has the emphasis on humility and love that I think is absolutely essential to the content of any attempt at a statement of truth. Here is another relevent quote from Christ: "Become good and merciful like your Father in Heaven, and as He rains on bad and good and makes the sun to rise on just and unjust alike, so also is the one who has real love, and has compassion, and prays for all." I'll write again soon about Orthodoxy. Time for bed- this is the latest I've stayed up in months.

DON'T TRY TO SELL ME ANYTHING

The space I had been occupying.

My frustrations with dishonesty have really been coming to a head lately. There's dishonesty with whatever guy who's trying to impress me with ____________ in the hope of seeing me naked; there's dishonesty with companies competing for my dollar vote, the first I can think of being Apple, which is a company whose products I use and find to be better than the others on the market and am quite fond of, but I find myself sick of the aura surrounding the company (or at the very least, a large group of its customers) that it's some sort of club to join, that you're either out or you're with Apple. I am so tired of fallacy and conceits. I wonder what this world would look like if everything would just molt off their skins and quit pretending or implying. NO more innuendo, NO more selling sex, NO more trashy television, NO more 100 calorie snack packs, NO more exclusiveness, NO more handbags bought just to show you could afford them, NO more exploiting people by way of religion (that means you, televangelists), NO more selling things for more money because they're "green."

HEY, QUIT LYING TO ME!
STOP TRYING TO SELL YOURSELF WITH, "As an artist..." or "as a musician..."
I don't care what you own
where you've been
who you know


I'm someone who is admittedly attracted to well-designed packaging; I will take that aesthetic and smoke it. I must, however, remember how to place myself opposite the headache of being sold something, and next to the smiling feeling of buying something because I need it to survive or because it's beautiful or useful in an honest way.

The things I do and claim as my own I will only dare to claim with a bare spirit and a smiling heart. I love to look at the stars, I love to practice ballet, I enjoy making things, I love to reach for a goal, I love to think, I love my boyfriend, I love to eat fruit, I love to find joy in small things- none of this makes me anything other than I am, which is just a girl somewhere on the road of progression through life.

EDIT: I wouldn't have been in the clarity of mind and heart to write something like this and realize these things without Cody who is a gift from God.

Taking Care

I went to the book store in my shiny black shoes with some money in my coat pocket. The doors don't open themselves there- I kind of like that. I looked through magazines and featured book tables and eventually, I stumbled onto a glossy photo book. The paper isn't good paper, it's magazine paper, it's one of the TIME-LIFE picture books they stick in the newsstand every so often. I got the hi-gloss cover smudgy and thumbed through. I handed the cashier a smooth bill and felt happy. These are all pictures of Audrey Hepburn. In some of them, her baby deer is asleep with her on the couch. I want to be that kind of elegant, humble woman.

This is an age of days with elegant exertion, ungraceful negligence, aesthetic ideals forming, a sharpening of the mind and the transfer of emotions. I think about the things that transcend and try to figure out what they are, where they are, how to communicate them, how to find more, and how to immerse oneself in them. I think about how I can write better. I think about food and being kind. I am taking in more information than I exert. I need raw material to process. Someday, something good will come of all of this.

I think about drinking milk out of small paper cartons and eating cut-up food with oversized utensils. I think about popsicles running down the stained wooden stick and sliding down my arm. Then I'd have sticky fingers.

One Hundred Wonderful Things

This list is an exercise in finding the good in everyday life. I won't be listing the things I'm working towards because I'm trying to find things to be thankful for right now.

1. books
2. stories
3. fantastic ideas
4. the night sky
5. men who explore and wonder
6. the moon
7. birds
8. maps
9. finding things you thought you'd lost
10. stationery
11. writing letters
12. making a nice cup of tea
13. understanding one's self better
14. people who encourage their children to be modest and kind
15. herbs
16. the language of flowers
17. kaleidoscopes
    
18. knitting
19. feeling proud of one's self
20. being forgiven
21. pillows and blankets
22. having a prince for a sweetheart
23. ballet
24. old things
25. femininity
26. cooking
27. keeping a coin collection
28. keeping a key collection
29. owning a car
30. rice
31. having nice things
32. being able to eat three meals a day
33. always having a roof over my head
34. having parents still married
35. finding quotes that perfectly express a feeling
36. finding movies that perfectly express a feeling
37. truth and beauty in nature
38. truth and beauty in books and art
39. having clean hair
40. eating a spectacular salad
41. Twitter
42. The Bible
43. various Buddhist works
44. being young and healthy
45. bodies of water
46. getting a good night's sleep
47. technology
48. making things
49. Understanding
50. Apples to Apples
51. Etsy.com
52. sugar snap peas
53. bagels
54. Obama likely the next president
55. Jewish moms
56. tart candy hearts
57. science
58. philosophy jokes
59. organic whole milk
60. Monk
61. Nova
62. The Everyman's Library
63. spreading good things to people
64. ravioli
65. gnocchi
    
66. handkerchiefs
67. morse code
68. free audiobooks
69. porridge
70. melons
71. keeping a garden
72. birdseed
73. Movies Being There and A Woman is a Woman
74. laughing
75. dancing because you feel like it
76. knowing you're loved
77. keneidlach (matzo balls)
78. deer
79. apples
80. maps
81. Jane Austen
82. wearing dresses
83. hugs and kisses
84. learning
85. Macintosh
86. Wendy's chocolate frosties
87. picnics
88. possibilities (scary, too)
89. affirming one's self
90. Aesop's Fables
91. good handwriting
92. chupacabra ;)
93. James Joyce
94. feeling accomplished
95. making progress
96. finally seeing the writing on the wall
97. lolcats
98. painters
99. carnival glass
100. music

You can well see that food is one of the big contributers to my happiness. :)

A Queen

I painted this sometime in December. I've been feeling very uneasy lately and on occasion frustrated to tears. I feel like I'm having to actively seek beauty to give worth to my survival (wording and idea somewhat from a C. S. Lewis quote). The more I live, the more I agree with the Buddhist idea of suffering as a constant, and the more I want to establish myself in the soil of happiness, or at least contentment, as much as possible. In fact, contentment would be an amazing gift to have right now. It's just that I must always remember love. I am very much in recovery. My soul is still aching from the past and I have to make a balm for my heart. I am having a decidedly weighty day. My mind is growing heavy. Happiness is only achievable through working towards it, but working towards it is hard work and sometimes very tiring. If one is idle, though, happiness is rarely attainable and to what real degree? I guess I have to focus on obtaining a joyful heart that is a constant through all things. I will have to seek out things to store up in a cache for joyfulness and constantly milk it. I will place my faith in the philosophy that everything is always going to turn out all right, as hardships are often the point at which you need to be to develop as a person anyhow. I will constantly work towards self-betterment and reap the rewards of its success. Surely that will bring great joy in itself. My mind is not a peaceful one today, but hopefully sleep will quell its storm with the freshness and renewed possibility of another day.

A moral treatise that will be greatly misunderstood by a great number of people, I am sure.

Please note that the following portions concerning relationships and individual gender roles probably does not (to my better knowledge) apply to homosexual people or their relationships. I'm not trying to be indelicate in saying so, it is simply that I cannot pretend to know about the proper dynamics of relationships of that nature. Also, as I am speaking about what we "should" be, note well that this is all of my very own experience and it is quite necessary for me to fulminate on this topic or I shall feel as though I am never quite through with it. Furthermore, you may also note well that I am always quite out of fashion with the times, these days. At least my style of writing and speech is, to be sure. Besides these asides upon the nature of the intentions of these writings, I feel that no apology is required because herein lie my own beliefs, which are made honestly and with a good heart, even if they are quite wrong.

Tell me, friends, what has become of the passionate, masculine, virtuous man? What has become of our good gentleman explorer from days gone by? He is a rare and wonderful thing to find in the cultural landscape of today.

Tell me, too, where is the fine and modest woman? Where is the feminine woman gone to? I shall not be persuaded that femininity is accurately portrayed by gaudy celebrities. Where is the caring creature? When can we say today that we have ever truly seen a lady?

I will not be barked at for desiring something beautiful that has now withered and become most misunderstood. I never mean to say that a woman cannot herself explore, that she cannot be as passionate as a man might be. No, never! I never mean that men and women are not equal in value. I wish for men to again be masculine! I wish for women to again be feminine! I wish for people to work for their own self-improvement.

When have we ever shunned an elegant and graceful woman with charge of herself and not the least need to reaffirm herself through the mirror of others? The woman who cares for her friends and speaks not ill of anyone with either malicious intent or shallowness and irresponsibility? When could one scorn a woman of discretion, modesty, and integrity? At which point did these things all go out of fashion? When did being a kind, loyal, and thoughtful woman go out of style and being frivolous, vain, catty, and tacky come in?

What did happen to a man who possesses both zeal and composure? A caring, thinking, wondering man who is loyal and moral? A man who respects a woman well enough to protect her body from ill-use, both from himself as well as others? While on the subject of respect, now that the lady reader has had the opportunity to agree with the need for a man who respects women, how about a woman who respects a man? She should respect him as her equal and partner, as one she loves, as one who loves her. She should, likewise, protect his body from being used merely for the exhaustion of her lust and desires. She must respect his body, heart, and mind as precious things. She must expect the same from him. No corners are to be cut for either sex. You both pull from within you everything you have, and only when both are working equally and sincerely with honesty and a good sort of selflessness that is not without self-respect, with both be able to attain their balanced happiness together. Or so this is my experience. I believe it to be a universal truth, but to state it as fact to be so will only bring more letters of disgust than I can afford time, mind, or heart to reply to.

Even when out of fashion, virtue should never be out of mind.

It is a thing perceived as being straight-laced and inhibiting, when, in fact, it is the very key to our happiness, written down for us already. Its being written down before makes us only more suspicious and thus rebellious, but I promise you that when both parties in a relationship work towards virtue, they will be the better, the happier.

I have strong feelings, too, on sexual morality which will be well-received by few. I will not include them here yet.

Edit (10 March 2008): correction of a typo.

Wishlist

All of the material goods I desire are surprisingly academic and/or old fashioned. I warn you ahead of time that I will be using the word "fine" quite frequently through all of this.

I want the following:

•  Letter Writers Alliance Gift Bag
  
• Telegram Stationery Because I want to send telegrams but they are surprisingly crazy expensive.
• Black Ocean Globe Because it's classy.
• Royal Quiet DeLuxe Portable of late 1940s My desire for this typewriter goes way back. I would love to have this on my desk. Love.
• The entire Everyman's Library collection Fantastic.
• A library in my home with loft/balcony shelves up a spiral staircase and rolling ladders
• Very nice ex libris plates, stamps, and embosser.
• Some fine personalized stationery with good-looking envelopes.
• The Pilot Birdie Pen
• More notebooks
• A fine set of calling cards
• A fine watch for an inquisitive lady (I like the one displayed on the top middle- something thin and elegant with many astronomical and chronological instruments)
• The Oxford English Dictionary, the 20 volume set
• A beautiful world atlas- I have yet to find a current one to my liking online.
• An astrolabe in the classical style
• A sundial, specifically a ring dial, perhaps for a necklace
• An orrery. Oh, how I'd love an orrery.
• Any other beautiful scientific instruments of old
• An old-world telescope
• A celestial globe, certainly more old-world than the one linked would be too pleasing.
• A good microscope
• This book in color. I only have the black & white version :(
• A beautiful star atlas

I am sure I could go on. I will let that much be the start.

Essay

I am working on an essay for my Old Testament class. The title is "The Relevance of the Old Testament in the Postmodern World." I am pouring fourth a lot of passion into it, too. I love to think, and then I love to write about what I think. I am really proud of what this essay is becoming. I am proud of it in the way that people are proud of something when they feel like they've achieved an accomplishment equal to their abilities. I am not proclaiming it as great, I am proclaiming it as my own.

Things to strive for:

Calling it a "New Year's Resolution" always felt to me like bad luck for some reason, so I won't call them that- these are just things I need to do that happen to be said out loud at the beginning of a year. I'm writing these in the form of addressing myself frankly.

• Drink only for taste. For example, have a beer with a meal or a glass of wine to enjoy it. Do not drink in excess or allow yourself to lose your judgment. People get stupid and disgusting when they are drunk. You're not being cool when you talk about yourself at a breakneck speed to anyone who will listen.

• Quit smoking cigarettes altogether. You've never resolved to do this completely, and you still smoke if you feel like it and even buy cigarettes on occasion. Stop. You're going to get cancer if you don't. Plus, your lungs feel horrible and your breath smells bad when you smoke. If you want to dance ballet like you keep talking about, the smoking is going to make you lose your breath too quickly. Also, you always clear your throat all the time during a move. That has to be really annoying to everyone around you. It's going to be hard while taking Adderall again for the school year, but you're going to do it because this is called "growing up."

• Do not eat because you are bored. Sure, you look good now, but if you keep the habit up, then not only will looks catch up with you in age, but health will as well. Stop eating for no reason. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're satisfied.

• Keep your environment clean. You want to be a mother and wife one day, but I'm sure your child will be in no way of happy health if you leave small objects and trash all around that he or she can choke on. I'm sure your husband, too, will grow tired of the mess caused by his wife. Let's not forget yourself. Your sloppiness disgusts you and you know it. It stresses you out and puts you out of spirits. You know how pleased you feel when everything is neat? Well, I know you're a perfectionist, so do not allow yourself to be inhibited by the question of "what if it isn't going to be perfect when I finish?" because do you know what? It doesn't matter. Also, anything better than what you're settling for now is acceptable. If you manage to get it "perfect," then fantastic- you can add another tally mark on your side.

• Keep reading. It has improved not only your writing style, but your character. When you allow yourself to learn lessons the easy way through Jane Austen characters, then you're already starting to win this battle you've been waging for a wise and calm life.

• Keep watching movies. You've only started really paying attention and understanding them in 2007, and don't stop. You'll only get more out of them as time goes on and you hone your skills. They make you exhilarated. Don't lose another hold on happiness to apathy.

• Continue to be sweet, polite, and respectful to your parents. They deserve it. Being any way otherwise only makes you ugly.

• Take a little bit of time out of every day to practice piano and violin. You'll be glad you did. You notice how you've been playing each for years and years but you only sound like a beginner? Remember the thing about being a perfectionist- you aren't going to get to that desired level without a lot of practice. It would make you so happy and fulfilled to be able to play both of those instruments well enough to play in front of someone else, so do not stop. It will bring joy to your heart to accomplish something.

• Always finish all of your work in your upcoming classes. You know you are intelligent, let your grades reflect that. Do not make excuses anymore.

• Keep in contact with your female friends and strengthen the relationships. The only male friend you should hang out with and talk on the phone to is your boyfriend. He deserves the ability to trust you completely. Keep healthy distances between yourself and your male friends. No matter how wonderful they may be, you know that people have no difficulty in finding temptation whether they are looking for it or not. Love your female friends and continue to care for them. Real friendships with them are too valuable to throw away. They will be there for you. Remember, though, that you need to "be there" for yourself when nobody else can. Remember to keep loving yourself.

• Respect yourself. You don't deserve to receive such low offers of sex from strangers. Learn how to slap people when they touch you or tell them off when they make comments in a way that asserts your self-respect. Be assertive when you know you are right. Do not be weak in the face of someone attempting to devalue you.

• Have great integrity. You are important in your life. This is one of the most obvious things people forget.

• Have good manners. You should behave like the pretty sort of person you know yourself to be capable of being. Everyone around you deserves some amount of civility, even if they've done you wrong in the past. You know when it is wise to make exceptions to this rule. You understand when to slap someone for touching you or when to run away and scream for help. We will leave this out as a no-brainer.

• Continue to improve your character. This will be a life-long work in progress. It is up to you. It will take a lot of hard work, but don't let that scare you away. It is very much worth it.

• Practice spontaneous kindness (with discretion- ie, don't pick up hitchhikers when you're driving alone at night, etc- be wise, protect yourself). I shouldn't have to explain this one. It's a gift that gives back.

• Continue to create things. It is worth the effort and having a result makes you gleeful. I know you've noticed yourself like that before. You cannot pretend like you don't love to be that way.

• Continue to have good hygiene and take care of your body. Take your medicine on time, eat well, drink plenty of tea and water. Wash your hands frequently. You are a pilot and this body is your machine. Keep it in good shape or you will break down before you can achieve the things you want. If you need inspiration for taking care of yourself past yourself, think of your future children; think of how unpleasant it would be for your boyfriend to kiss you with your teeth un-brushed. Take care of your body- it has gotten you this far and endured some hard things. It deserves it.
  

And thus ends my list. Perhaps I might inspire someone else to take something from it. It helps to speak to yourself as a third person. One is less apt to lie that way, or at least I was. Also, it keeps one from feeling disgustingly selfish for writing a list full of "I"s.

Trust me,

DON'T

PANIC.