A Queen

I painted this sometime in December. I've been feeling very uneasy lately and on occasion frustrated to tears. I feel like I'm having to actively seek beauty to give worth to my survival (wording and idea somewhat from a C. S. Lewis quote). The more I live, the more I agree with the Buddhist idea of suffering as a constant, and the more I want to establish myself in the soil of happiness, or at least contentment, as much as possible. In fact, contentment would be an amazing gift to have right now. It's just that I must always remember love. I am very much in recovery. My soul is still aching from the past and I have to make a balm for my heart. I am having a decidedly weighty day. My mind is growing heavy. Happiness is only achievable through working towards it, but working towards it is hard work and sometimes very tiring. If one is idle, though, happiness is rarely attainable and to what real degree? I guess I have to focus on obtaining a joyful heart that is a constant through all things. I will have to seek out things to store up in a cache for joyfulness and constantly milk it. I will place my faith in the philosophy that everything is always going to turn out all right, as hardships are often the point at which you need to be to develop as a person anyhow. I will constantly work towards self-betterment and reap the rewards of its success. Surely that will bring great joy in itself. My mind is not a peaceful one today, but hopefully sleep will quell its storm with the freshness and renewed possibility of another day.